coming on here to write what I can't on facebook

To be melodramatic, etc. etc. Not feeling very good about being me at this very moment. Got a shit PWA, marketing, feel like I'm wasting my time here and will become increasingly so frustrated I'll explode. This is not why I came to this school. Maybe I'll never be a manager, maybe I just suck at it. I haven't felt creatively fulfilled or creative approaching anything since living in Israel. I've forgotten how to be inspired, how to be creative. I just feel empty where that muscle used to be. I know, I'm sounding ridiculous. But the truth is I haven't ever felt so alienated from theater. Maybe it's because I'm not actually doing it. I feel so trapped and rudderless right now. No doubt I'll learn some important skills from sitting behind a desk in marketing all year and blah blah fucking blah, but this is not why I moved 6,000 miles away and came to school here. Not at all. I just gotta keep my eye on the prize: take the MFA and go far, far away from here.

religious things

Yeah yeah, every religion and culture has its weirdness, and every religious person or representative of that culture gets used to them to the point that it doesn't seem weird, or, in some cases, straight-up batshit crazy. But maybe if some of your religious/cultural practices sound bizarre even to you, the religious person, that should make you think. I think, in particular, of things such as:

Pidyon HaBen, or "redeeming" a firstborn male child so that he doesn't have to serve in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem in the Messianic times, which by all accou

nts are just around the corner. I've never actually been to a Pidyon HaBen, but it involves putting the baby on a tray, exchanging him for silver coins, and paying a kohen a small fee to do this for you.

You're supposed to do this for a baby when he's 30 days old. We have not done this for Nani, so we're waiting for the kohanim to come kidnap him, any day now.

Shaking a lulav and etrog. You see, during the holiday of Sukkot, we build huts in our backyards and live in them (well, ok, eat in them. most meals.), to get back to nature and reflect on our dependence on God and the universe. Also, we spend up to thousands of dollars purchasing a giant herbaceous phallus and citric ovum, the

n gather them together in our hands at least once a day during the holiday to shake around. And how dare you suggest that Judaism absorbed anything from pagan cultures.

Kaparot, literally "atonements". Before Yom Kippur, the Day of Judgment,

we symbolically transfer our sins to a chicken by waving it over our heads three times. Then the chicken is slaughtered and given to charity. Many people today do this with money instead, which is by far less fun, especially for the chicken. Strikes me as hilarious that many Orthodox Jews scoff at Christians for believing that Jesus died for their sins, when only each individual can truly repent for her sins. Well then, what about that poor godforsaken chicken? Also, since we already transferred our sin

s to the chicken/money, why do we have to fast, again?

why my Dad is my hero

"Standing Silent", premiering at the Atlanta Jewish Film Festival on February 18, 2011.

An insular Orthodox neighborhood in Baltimore is scandalized after a journalist uncovers generations of child molestation at the hands of prominent rabbis. Unrelenting in his pursuit despite terrible personal repercussions, Baltimore Jewish Times reporter Phil Jacobs is determined to break the silence of victims and expose the predators, trusted and powerful religious leaders. Expecting community support and action, Jacobs is stunned to find himself ostracized by those who would cover up decades of abuse lest they bring shame to the rabbinate and themselves. Through a multiyear investigation, Jacobs confronts not only the Orthodox establishment, but demons from his own past. From Baltimore to Brooklyn, to the streets of Jerusalem, case after case of abuse is slowly brought to light. Recipient of a Sundance Documentary Filmmaker Grant, this taboo breaking film recounts how a courageous reporter’s pen became his sword of justice.

link to film site

so ready to be done

Got a performance review today that was all over the place. Feeling more insecure about my work than ever. Feel like I'm busting my ass to stay afloat, often at the expense of my family, and it's never enough. Feel like I'm being scrutinized and I always have to look over my shoulder. So glad to be almost done and then fellowship. Meanwhile, got The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For for Chanukah from Yaakov, so that's been awesome. He's been reading it and finally gets it, though he thinks it should be called "Dykes for Whom to Watch Out," grammar-nazi that he is.

2010 in Status Updates

oh yes. oh fucking yes.

talk me down off the ledge

getting a panic attack about once a day when i think about the fact that yaakov lost his job and i'm in school. mad guilt. but i won't quit, that's stupid. just have to push forward, and it doesn't help when i feel like i'm being watched by everyone at every turn; that people are just waiting for me to screw up. there's no room for error and i all i want to do is sleep/cry/run. and i have to be there for my boo.